• ~:HEROIN:~ Wanted: 'Dead or Alive'

•  by John Zewizz

After 25+ Years ov Heroin Addiction.......When you finally decide to 'do heroin' ...because you have had it on your mind for some time now.

You have heard that someone you know had done it."What happened?" Everyone thought. Then someone asked... Somehow it waz not the answer to your curiousness. -OR-  You were at a party and it waz being passed around...you did not want to seem like a pussy...so you snorted some. Everyone waz doing it...they all seemed fine.Right.

 -OR- Quite rarely...You met a woman and you went back to her place. It waz smoky and dark in her apartment.. One light waz the only sorse ov focus into an exotickly designed room ov desires. 

This iz My introduction from here on...My Story starts here ...

(Above Drawings by John Zewizz 1993 on Smack)

I met a dark haired exotick beauty. It waz around 1988. Goth Exoticks were rare but present. at least two per venue (Bars anyway).

If you swung from Club to Club, there waz a very small click ov Sexual Vampires. You scoped each other from past lays or yet to hook up Prospects. Each hook-up waz very different. Obviously. But I waz fascinated with more than just the Sexual romp. Which waz always worth the chase and domination. (It iz what it iz).

Beyond the Sexual adventure...I found myself caught up in the details ov a female concubine's Psyche. Sex waz not enough. I wanted personal sexual emotions. I wanted to understand why their sexual anomoly made them sexually who they were. I waz curious about their sexual  inhibitions.The wild frenzy ov their'sexual release'. The words and screams in their expressions ov euphoric release. What they really the meaning ov their sexual screams.  

 Some ov the personalities I had encountered were strange and unusual to the degree ov straight out "I want to Fuck"...enough for Me to want to investigate deeper into their psyche. I had to know why they agreed to 'take Me home'. I had to understand their Sexual thrills. The ones I had experienced the night before. The stranger-to-stranger thrills where anything goes. Out ov your mind ecstasy and letting in all out..all over the place...LUST.. 

 Each Female Concubine waz totally different.(12 az the 12 Astrology signs. Cusps are also more signs).  There were disappointments ... there were sanity situations ...so all waz never 'All ov Abyss'. Theze were rare but did exist. Female Concubines usually take great pride in their Souls. They reflect this by detailing the Sexual attractions they own. Female Vanity iz a weapon ov magick. Beware ov its duel seduction possibilities ... in reflecting a  primitive subliminal urge that iz conscious and desire driven it can fail the jump the gun on the situation. Observant iz its own weapon. Being obvious in consciously observing will turn the tides against you. 
  

                           The Female Concubine ov My Choice ...

are the Fetish styled Eotick Goths. Dark Black hair, (Cleopatra bangs or real short cropped hair)..all Black attire. Usually something unique to their individual blend. Black fingernails and lip-stick makes them all-black "CROW"...if She iz wealthy and Suave then she iz a "RAVEN"....but in the Sexual underground each one iz known az an "EROTICK". Theze are the 'Tags' that are used.    There many other types ov concubines in the sexual underground. 

   My story again ...gets off here. I met a aggressive Goth concubine at the RAT Club in Boston. Early 1988. We joked and drank at the Club for a few hours. We waited for 'Closing'. . The CROW waz a tiny-bit older than Me. Maybe 2-3 years. That should not make much difference. But it did. She had 2-3 years ov experience on Me. I did not 

(Kelly Hughes by John Zewizz) 1993

mind. Yet. I should had been paying more attention.

  When we got to her place...we continued to drink her favorite drink GIN. I liked the cocktail she waz mixing from the GIN.

  Az we rolled around her bed smoked some weed we performed oral sex on each other and worked up a good hormonal sweat. I love the smell ov female sweat. Its a true aphrodsiac that works on the 'old factory system' (the Nose). Female hormonal sweat iz different than body-odor or unclean secretions. Female hormonal sweat not only affects your primative instince it also affects your sexual psyche.
She waz in this 'state'...after playing around the bed we were both sweaty. Between this and whatever waz kumming next..I waz ready and willing. She then turned over to the small bed-side table She opened the drawer and took out a small leather bag. She waz lying on her stomach with her legs uprised behind her. Black hair purred liquidlly against her white porcilin flesh. The bag contained her cigarettes, lighter and a silver box.

She opened the box...I knew it waz drugs..she just had asked Me if I wanted to get"High"..."Ya..sure"... I waz assuming the drugs were going to be Coke, Meth, Pot, ...shit if I waz really lucky it could have been "X" or "K"..but those are rare treats. Or you have to be(in certain circles or groups)-the one to provide them. She took out some Valium pills and a bag ov power. I assumed the power waz Coke at first. But by the size ov the bag.. that's all it could have been. She sliced open the bag and poured it out on a make-up mirror. I could tell it waz not Coke by the way it sat on the mirror. The texture waz all different too. I still had no idea it waz Smack. Even though I had done more than My share ov all sorts ov drugs...I waz out ov My element here. Az she offered Me the metal straw to snort it...it hit Me.."Smack"...she waz very quiet..we were getting ready to Fuck,,not telling Me it waz Smack told Me that she either assumed I waz a 'Junkie' or maybe she wanted to be in control ov the next sexual situation?. I said "Dope" ?...she whispered "Ya..its pretty good, You only need a little"..what the Fuck iz 'a little'..?? with Smack..I thought. Then quickly..I said.."I got to piss..make Me up a line"..and went out ov the room. When I returned she had made up what waz the same size ov a Coke line..but a bit thinner.. I'm sitting there naked with her ass in My lap..what waz I going to do ? Spoil the party ?..make her seem like a 'Junkie' while we were both doing drugs through out the night. Valium and drinking top shelf GIN..Shit..I sniffed the line up quickly...trying not to think about it. I thought during the next sex romp I could ignore it and focus on the sex. 

  We rubbed around each others body..letting her chose time for  penetration and entrance I thought az the Heroin started to hit Me.

I felt warm inside...I felt my inhibitions dissolve az My confidence grew. My cock also got much harder. I wanted to Fuck..I felt the energy ov the Smack kick in..like the kick ov a over-sized unicorn it made My blood rush wild. Right in the middle ov Fucking I started to bekum overwhelmed. I waz not use to this drug. It waz too strong. I did not know where it waz going. How high I waz suppose to get?

I remember all the things,rumors and taboo I had ever heard about "Heroin". They were all rushing through My mind 

                                                (drawing by Michael Manning)

at once. Heading for Anxiety City..but I stopped the panic. I slowed down everything. Like 'being drunk' ..you never lay down. Unless you want 'the spins'. Well, it waz the same thing with Smack. I had to stop the Fucking and get up. I waz surprised that the 'high' had turned into a Coke type high. Not what I waz told about Heroin. It waz enjoyable and I felt the rush much like Cocaine. All I waz told waz a lie. I felt a release ov tied up emotions. "Dope" the king ov all drugs had entered My body. Forget all the pills..booze and smoke..this waz a new awaking. The birth ov a new reality. Its not a 'high'..it a different reality. Little did I know that this Seductress would own My soul forever. This waz a romantic introduction to something quite unique. Like no other high. Like no other feeling. I swear that after your first introduction your subconscious iz making plans for Heroin to be part ov your life. What I waz not paying attention to waz how fast Heroin waz changing My life without Me being conscious ov it. 

(John Zewizz by Herb King / High on Heroin) 1999

KEITH RICHARDS had flashed into My mind. I remember him shooting Smack in the underground film "Cocksucker Blues". He fell asleep and waz on a nod. My first times snorting a 'bag' walking down the street heading for My local drinking club "P-King-Toms" I felt on top ov the world. The euphoria waz like an orgasm in the mind, that lasted for hours. 

After you have accepted Smack into your thrills you reject the fears,taboo's and the rumors you hear about Heroin. 
I had started to do Heroin on a weekly basis. Only on Friday nights at P-King Toms Bar. Then it quickly changed to Friday & saturday nights...I would sniff a bag or two. Go to P-King Tom's .
that went on for about a year. I had assumed all I heard ov Heroin waz bullshit. I had no addiction..(that I knew about)..
I waz also using Heroin in My Performances with SLEEP CHAMBER in the 90's. I can remember one time sniffing a few bags then kumming out for "Monkeyman" (The Opening) and twisting My ankle. It hurt like hell and I could not move around az I wanted to on Stage. It waz at The Middle East Club. After the song I quickly ran backstage and sniffed another bag...at that moment I realized that I would use it for any issue..Physical or emotional. It waz perfect for collecting and controlling My emotions.
Az time went on SLEEP CHAMBER waz doing more Performances..I had to make sure I had enough for the next day if I ran out. This sucked..it only added to my anxiety and management ov all My Performance duties. I kept it secret from most ov My Barbitchuettes. There were a few ov them also hiding it. We managed to share the secret in the dressing rooms before a performance.
I waz oddly finding problems with My mood and sleeping. I waz in 'withdrawal' and did not know it. I waz thinking it waz too much coffee or the side affect ov drinking with different prescription pills. this waz only the small withdrawal your body iz warning you about. I can honestly say that no SLEEP CHAMBER Performance waz affected up to now. 
The 90's would be the beginning ov My Heroin addiction. After My first addiction, I did not know 'what to do'..I could keep up with the $20-$50 a day..but it grew to more..some days.
Things were about to change for the worst. I met a really beautiful girl for a one-night-stand. I waz about to sniff the dope and she brought out a needle. Now up to now I had stayed away from injecting. It just waz not my type ov thing. But the Girl had said.."Are you going to sniff all 6 ov those bags..when you can shoot just one..?? "What a waste..and you are only getting 30-40% ov the dope high.."  I thought for a moment..while she injected just one bag. Her eyes slanted and she waz in ecstasy...her voice went low and she waz ready for a romp.
I looked at the bags ov dope..I asked her to set it up..I cooked the power in a spoon and injected it into an arm vein ..I thought..I can't wait to do this next time...az I injected the Heroin.
It waz a different ;high'..it waz way more powerful. I felt like I waz in a very warm dream...we talked for an hour before we fucked for at least 10 hours. Oh did I not mention that you can not kum on Heroin ? You can get hard..but you can't kum. This caused major problems with a girlfriend Semiramis. She waz quite the beast when it came to Love-making. She demanded everything to be perfect. At one point in our relationship she had yelled at Me saying that she could smell the Heroin leaking from My sweat. This waz the beginning to a great fall from relationships and SLEEP CHAMBER attention. It waz bekumming obvious that I could not maintain both the Heroin and a relationship not to mention SLEEP CHAMBER.  
Me and Semiramis were fighting all the time. She would constantly blame the Heroin even though she waz trying it 

(Semiramis & John Zewizz Limelight NYC 1995- by Luna Tsuki)

once in awhile. I refused to let her inject it. So, she settled for sniffing it once in awhile. Mostly at SLEEP CHAMBER shows. Later we were both to find out that a 10 hour fuck-fest waz great..She could not kum either. After beaking up twice..we finally went our own way. This really Sucked because she waz one ov the main Barbitchuettes. I had a few, but she waz one ov the queens ov the Stage. It obvious again by the live videos that she iz in that she waz Great at what she did. I waz losing her because I waz spending all My time with another mistress..Heroin. Semiramis waz not interested in following the Heroin dope road to nowhere. So, she moved on in 1998. I have not seen her since. She escaped what waz to bekum the battle for My life and My sanity.
Although I waz able to drag SLEEP CHAMBER to hell and back this waz something that waz going to burn Me for a long time. I waz not going to win this fight. It waz going to cost Me more than I could ever imagine.

Instead ov finding Love in relationships all I waz finding waz other junkies to fuck. It waz a slow transformation. I waz watching it happen in front ov My eyes. Like slipping and you are falling..you see it and can do very little to stop it. 
At this point I waz up to My guts in Heroin. It waz My #1 focus in life. The threat ov 'being sick' had kum & gone. It happened briefly but you always had a friend help you out. I waz spending every cent I had and making up stories to get more money to feed the Beast that would never get full. I still waz not ready to quit.
I looked bad. I waz spending all My time at home in My apartment. Avoiding my 'strait' friends.
Since My royalties from SLEEP CHAMBER waz covering My rent I thought at least I waz safe from being thrown out on the street. 
I went from being in super control to being in the worst self-pity I could even imagine. At some point you get addicted to 'injecting' drugs. You go from Coke to Heroin..eventually to the "Speed-ball" which waz My favorite. Adding Cocaine to the liquid Heroin in the spoon to inject.

 I remember being at someones house and I had bought a gram ov Cocaine. There had to be at least 8 people behind Me holding spoons out begging for 'a hit' ov the Cocaine. It waz like something out ov an bad dream. They were just like zombies. A visual I will maintain forever. "Please John...just a shot...just a little.." 
I waz also spending time at the Nazi Methadone Centers. Where they treat you like a criminal and not a patient. After a couple ov years, I knew I had to move on. Methadone eats away at your blood-sugar making you urge for sugar. You can loose your teeth and gain weight very fast. I waz also getting into fights in the Methadone dosing lines at 50 years old. Theze centers make life-time patients out ov people who have nothing to lose. Each one more depressing than the last. Some junkies go into detoxes for a 'spin-dry' (when you can not afford your dope habit..spend time in a detox for a week or so). The people who work in theze places usually do not have much patience for 'junkie' behavior. So, they treat you all the same..like Shit..no respect at all. I can somewhat understand it. I waz not getting off here either. I waz moving on..there had to be other solutions ..other answers...someone who really cared..??

 My self pity waz telling Me that all I needed waz someone to care..someone to say I Love you..please stop.
I waz in too deep. I had seen more than ten people 'go out'..(stop breathing)..they turn blue or gray. They are dying and you got little time to get them back breathing. This waz a regular thing that waz happening. Especially with people new to injecting dope. They would do too much too fast and end up motionless,frozen in place. It waz shocking at first to see people you know and care about in such a state. Their eyes frozen. Looking just like looking into the eyes ov the dead. You have to think on your feet. You only have a few minutes (you never know how many)...to bring the person back. It waz always a nightmare when it happened at My house because I waz the one on call when it happened. The most bizarre thing iz no one thanks you for saving their life. No one ever says anything. Its strange. I guess they are embarrassed. It would be many years before I could imagine this happening to Me. I thought I waz smart. I thought I waz in control. I thought I knew it all. 

 

In 1992 SLEEP CHAMBER Toured California. Not everyone in the band did Heroin. In fact I waz the only one. I had a Heroin habit so I shipped some (white) Heroin to San Francisco where we were staying a week before we got there.
Some ov the Barbitchuettes I waz meeting did Heroin. They were in the 'jr.stage' ov addiction. Still playing with an addiction but not ready to stop. Going for help just turned into a failed conclusion. You just could not wait to use again. The Heroin detox unit set up at detoxes waz based on giving you just a little Methadone-(30.mg or less)a day. Then drag you to all kinds ov group meetings to discuss your addiction. I feel bad about theze times. They tried but they never gave you enough Methadone to feel well. Not 'high'..well. So that when you leave you are still sick.This waz a failed attempt at medical professionals to do 'something'..still sick ? day after day you wait to feel right or well. It never kums. This gives you have a reason to be tempted to feel better. No matter what the reason, you still go back. I guess they do not want you to feel too good. That would give you (The addict) a pleasurable experience at the detox. You would assume that this waz a nice experience and going back to Heroin would bring you back to this nice experience.

Anyway...back to San Francisco. I had met a few ov the Barbitchuettes and some ov their friends. We all gathered together like a bunch ov roaches in a nest to do our Smack. I took out My $10. white dope bags and got ready to do one. A guy spotted Me and asked if it waz Dope. I said "Ya"...and he informed Me that there waz no 'white dope' in California. Only 'Black tar'. Which if you are not an injector than its almost impossible to sniff. Unless you put it in a nasal sprayer watered down. He then offered to buy some off Me. I said "No" because I had shows to do and a couple ov weeks to make it last.He then offered Me $50. for a $10. bag. At first I thought he might be a cop under-cover. But after so much pestering I said "sure"..and when I reached for the bag..he said "Give me two" and handed Me a $100.dollar bill. I said only if he could find Me some real organic Opium to smoke. He agreed. It cost Me the $100. for the Opium so I waz right back to where I started.  

I had already done some white dope. I now had some Opium to smoke. A black musky gooey piece went right into a pipe. I shared one ov the Barbitchuettes. It only took about 15 minutes to smoke it all. I felt the alcohol and some weed we were smoking along with the couple bags ov dope I did. About an hour later I could not stay awake. I did not like slipping off. I knew better. So I asked one ov the Barbitchuettes to take a walk with Me outside.She agreed and we slipped away. We were at a park on a hill right in the middle ov the City. I had started to have very colorful dreams. I mean the 'colors' were unusually outstanding in My 3-second dreams. I waz falling asleep and would wake with a dream seconds later. I seen a lady in a window waving to us with an oven mitt on. She waz waving with a pastel orange over-mitt. Another dream waz a very large toilet seat (40-feet around)slowly going around and around. It waz a pastel green. It contained all little toilet seats on the seat-(they were pastel blue)...all ov this waz going around together in a slow motion circle. I felt it hard to stay awake. I knew what this ment. I could or waz going to OD. So I had here walk Me around staying on My feet. It had worked, but it had also given Me my first taste ov being 'out ov control' or a possible OD. This stuck in My mind for years. Yet I waz still not ready to walk away. I waz stilling thinking it waz adventurous and thought I waz in control this Heroin thing myself. It waz almost romantic to think you are like a Vampire. Going out after dark looking for Heroin instead ov blood. 

   

  By the time SLEEP CHAMBER returned from the California Tour it waz a total break-up. I mean we did not even sit together on the plane. I guess My joking about the turbulence waz not funny when we hit a bad storm.I also had issues with one member claiming he had been fed a sleeping pill while I went out with the Barbitchuettes. And after a hotel room fight that poured out into the parking waz only adding up to the things that went wrong. I never spoke to 2 ov the 3 members ever again since we got off the plane in Boston.1992.
 Some ov the last seroius SLEEP CHAMBER projects that got completed were "SOME GODZ DIE YOUNG" ...it waz actually a subliminal message ov where I waz mentally and music wize. I waz really burned out. You do not understand what this iz until you experience it. Your brain iz going at one speed.(usually fast). Your physical ability iz unable to keep up with your brains requests. At first you do not understand this mis-deal. If you are doing drugs constantly those few hours you are straight ..it can be very nerve wracking. Bringing on anxiety and eventually depression.
Those are all the reasons you need to keep the addiction going. In making the video for "SALOME" we wasted a day because I had the money but could not find anyone who had any Heroin. This iz another problem you will find an unacceptable problem. This sets up another situation for you. You have to start buying from more than one dealer. If one iz down you go to the other. If one haz Heroin better than the others. You buy hiz. Also during the "SALOME" video...I think that this iz where the final stage ov addiction waz locking itself into place. I waz going from a constant user to a full addict at this point. If you watch the video, you will notice I really never fully open My eyes in any ov the footage. I never really noticed that for years. I waz really cut by this. I could see 'where I waz in the addiction'..I saw the big change here. Change waz in the mail. I waz not paying attention here. Az I now look back and see the unconscious peril I waz heading into. 
  New and upkumming in the Heroin scene waz instead ov buying $10. bags by the 50 ( a brick) you could buy a half gram or a gram. Known az 'weight'. Once you buy this nothing would ever be the same. Your Heroin addiction goes up along with the amount you are doing. It waz harder to measure the amount from a bag ov power than from 5-10 $10. bags. With them you had an idea how many to do to make your mark. What you needed to get off.Or 'get well'..
The half grams are now $50. each and you could get by one a day instead ov spending say $90. a day for a 'bakers dozen' (12 bags) you could spend $50. or buy 3 for $100. and (get a great deal). Especially if you have no idea how deep you are getting in. The focus ov this Bitch drug waz I waz getting in over My Life, never mind over My head. This stage waz just beginning. 

Most ov the time I waz spending in My apartment with other junkies figuring out ways to raise money for Heroin. I had heard ov groups ov junkies dying ov 'AIDS' from used needles. This concerned Me greatly. I made sure that I never shared anything with anyone. I saw people who were so desperate that they would use anyone's needle just to get well or just get high. I seen girls give blow jobs to Spanish dealers for a bag. Some girls even became escorts just to pay for their Heroin. Some people who had known Me by SLEEP CHAMBER were surprized to see Me scoring dope. Yet acted 'happy' to see Me part ov it all.
 There were lines being blurred that I could never imagine. One girl told Me that she use to escort to buy Dope. Now she waz doing Dope so she could escort. I waz seeing all this happening and it waz constantly on My mind. So waz Heroin. I waz shooting up throughout the   (John Zewizz by Herb King-Shooting up in hand)
day many times. Cocaine alone or with Heroin to keep you awake if the dope waz too strong and you kept nodding off. The veins in My arms were all used up. It took years. I ended up with "Pericarditis" from a very small Cocaine apses. Its swelling around the outside ov the heart tissue from infection. I'm embarrassed to what I have done to My arms and hands from this.I waz told occasionally how nice My hands were. But that waz long ago. You think that you have hit rock bottom but it just keep getting worse. You hear the rumors ov 'who' died or OD-ed and you say to yourself..it will never be Me. And you never know, well, thats not true..sometimes you can tell who iz not long for this lifestyle. By their gluttony or carelessness. After awhile you could really see who waz going to make it and who waz going to end up a statistic. It waz sad. You could never affect anyone's chance. Trying to divert them waz impossible. Especially when you were in the same situation doing the same thing. 

 Some days I spent under the covers from dope sickness. When I could not afford to buy it and no one waz around to share it...I'd be sick sometimes for 3 days at a time before anyone came by with something. This seems to have gone on for years. When I look back I remember 9/11 I waz sick in bed watching the whole thing on TV. I also remember them playing it for weeks on TV ov which I waz too sick to open my eyes to even watch the follow-up coverage. But eventually someone came by to fix Me up. This waz both good & bad. I waz in the end stages ov the withdrawing hanging in with Valum or clonazepam.(sedatives). I use to hang with other junkies to open my possibilities for other connections. You needed connections for dope, for coke, and for pills. Usually sedatives to help you sleep. With Heroin you sleep. But you do not get your REM sleep. Now just imagine what must happen to a person emotionally if they are not getting their REM sleep constantly. They are getting a false sleep that rests the mind physically but not mentally.
 There waz always someone who had something. When SLEEP CHAMBER played The LIMELIGHT NYC in 1994 we stayed at the promoters house. I waz sick and had run out ov dope  I looked in hiz bathroom ...he had some Codeine tablets in his medicine cabinet that saved my shit.It waz the night after the show and our van waz towed in the city. Somehow I had better luck staying well more than most ov the people I waz hanging with did. But I seemed to get sicker faster than they did. No one wanted Me sick. If so, no one got anything or anyplace to crash. If I waz ever 'sick' it waz bad for everyone. It waz also always the quietest time. No one said anything. It waz silence. 
 All ov this waz kumming to an end. I just did not know. Addicts hate change. Staying the same keeps things from getting complex. Addicts are usually useless when it kums to change. Their whole world revolves around dope. There iz very little that hits your windshield when you are an addict. You just focus on getting dope then getting it next time . 


 I waz keeping my addiction low. Some ov you who do not understand how Anyone can do Heroin. My thought Exactly..before I tried it.

 I waz only using once a day and had given up the Cocaine for now. I had started to hang out with my past girlfriend. The Love ov My life...Laura. (above: SLEEP CHAMBER 1996 by Laura Graff)
                                   (LAURA az @ Middle East 1994 by Luna Tsuki)
SILVERMOON Live by Luna Tsuki 1995

I had never really been in Love before. I had never experienced unconditional Love from this girl ov my dreams. We started dating when I waz about 15 years older than her. My addiction had started after our break-up.We had experimented with Dope but kept our distance. We were working on too many projects together.
I had dated a few girls afterwards but no one waz like her. Not even Semiramis.Who had taken her place in living with Me and organizing SLEEP CHAMBER. I had crossed paths with Laura a few times with Semiramis. We had done Heroin all together at times. But now...Laura waz pregnant with some 20 year old's baby. Laura had used Heroin but never really got stuck in the shit.She had other things going on. Now her son to begin with.
 Laura waz a major driving force behind SLEEP CHAMBER since we got together. Her artwork haz been used. She waz ;thee Major BARBITCHUETTE. She brought girls in,waz at videos sessions (to assist Me),she waz also My main Secretary. She did it all. Little known fact I wrote "No Ones Heart Beats Harder" about her. She waz abused by her natural father & after moving in with Me...had screaming nightmares Every Night..waking up screaming for her Mother. This stopped 2 months after Sleeping in My bed. It waz Gone...!! I wrote the Lyric's unconsciously. And they were right.
Laura had posed for the Cover ov the SLEEP CHAMBER "Siamese Succubi" CD,VHS-tape,and DVD Covers.

 I waz so much in Love with Laura and happy. I only recognized her 'Unconditional Love" later on after our relation waz over. I waz more enlightened by Her after our Relationship. I asked Laura to Marry Me at one point. I would have done anything to keep her. I wanted her forever. She waz 'My Queen'..(and that's a lot)...
Laura had push SLEEP CHAMBER from behind the scenes more than anyone. She also waz a BARBITCHUETTE for about 5 years before going to Photography College and bekumming the SLEEP CHAMBER official Live & off Stage Photographer. This made her ver happy. She liked being a BARBITCHUETTE but taking photos waz more ov her passion.

The 90's were SLEEP CHAMBER'S most successful. They were the biggest years for amount ov Performances and Payments for those Performances..
I waz starting to choreograph  The BARBITCHUETTES az from Laura's suggestion. She waz one ov the originals in the BARBITCHUETTE line-ups. She waz very good with all ov them. They all Loved her too.
If not for Her, I might have dropped them after our break-up.
We returned to each other during each break-up and after the major break-up too.

There iz a lot about Laura in this piece on Heroin. That's because she waz in the stage where I went from sniffing it and had yet to start injecting it.
I did felt a major loss in My life after Laura left for the last time. She could not find a person to go out with because most males feared My wrath or unhappiness if they had dated her. So she started dating girls.  At times we shared her girlfriends in the bedroom. I think this kept Me around and not dating other girls. Maybe she also wanted My approval? Its not to say now. Every minute to every memory iz sacred to Me without prejudice.

Laura waz a perfect photographer for what I wanted and SLEEP CHAMBER needed.
She iz known for the 'promo CATWOMAN' pictures.(left). She also shot the infamous JOHN ZEWIZZ and haz BARBITCHUETTES.(right).
Laura also took many SLEEP CHAMBER line-ups throughout the 90's.
I missed her az a BARBITCHUETTE.
But she waz having a better time taking photos and at times being in a Video.
SLEEP CHAMBER waz at its most prolific and professionally arranged. 
Heroin waz creeping in slowly. We were both using but keeping our interests ahead ov it. There waz too much to do with SLEEP CHAMBER and The BARBITCHUETTES. Which started az Laura's project. Always getting My approval...to how I wanted it to work.

After our break-up I wrote "Silvermoon" & "Dreams Never Kum True" about the emotional state I waz in from the Love she had shared with Me from our time together (5 years).. She kept constant contact with Me after our break-up through the years. We had bekum 'best friends'..I respected all her relationships even though she returned to Me while in every relationship be it male or female.
 We still made Love. This waz a force bigger than both ov us realized. I think it waz saving Me from going any deeper into Heroin. It waz only a matter ov time though. This iz the whole illusion with Heroin.

I sang "Silvermoon" to her on stage while she portrayed 'the part' ignoring Me and looking away az the lyrics suggest. I waz singing a 'Love Song' to a person it waz about..!! This iz a rare and an  exceptional accomplishment by any Musician..or anyone in general.
This waz the Last time I sang "Silvermoon" to:(with Laura)  
It waz at:THE RAT-Boston May 28th 1994. I always swelled up with tears singing this to Laura. Even when on Heroin.

"SILVERMOON" I wrote about how Dope made our Love less Magick and less Loving. How it left Me without My Queen.Empty...
"Our Destinies collide...and
Fade Away...Doez Anything really
Matter Anyway...?"...



Laura also took the picture for the Cover for SLEEP CHAMBER "Sleeping Sickness" CD. It waz Me and her girlfriend 'Sonya'.
The picture iz a Polaroid Picture. It waz her idea for 'Sonya' to cover her body in green skin cream. To sit on the arm ov the chair az a Gargoyle. Sonya waz also in the beginning ov experimenting with Heroin. She ended up leaving before things got too intense.

 Sonya waz Laura's favorite girlfriend. They really made a good pair. The 3 ov us were even tighter. It waz for the best we all parted ways. Heroin waz getting into more ov our life And I could see it. We had no fear and assumed that we were in total control to stop at anytime. Sounds pretty stupid now.
Laura stayed away from Heroin while being Pregnant. Years went by. Az her son turned four she started using again. I only seen her occasionally.Each visit waz a gift.Then it all turned into a nightmare that would last Me for years. 

1.   One morning I got a call from 'Suzie' from Hubba-Hubba Bondage shop.
2. She asked Me if I gave Laura any Heroin. I knew something waz wrong right away. She then told Me that Laura had died yesterday  morning. When she said this mind waz overwhelmed. I could not think right. I could not focus or process what I waz hearing. My life with Laura waz flashing in front ov My eyes at 1000 miles an hour.I broke down and hung up. I just could not process this news. It waz impossible. We had been together the night before with her 4 year old son. I followed her to the bus and rode with her & son to the Train station and kissed her & her son goodnight. Little did I know this would be the last time I would see either ov them...this would be "My Last Kiss" with Laura. I waz ov course blamed for this by just about everyone. Even though she waz found in her bed with a needle still arm. With her son running around the apartment all day till her Mother arrived home that night and found her.

I did not go to the Wake or the Burial. I waz being scorned by everyone. Everyone in the underground scene. I waz the 'Scapegoat'..it waz 'John the one known to use Heroin' that waz to blame. I understand this. Laura had made many new friends in the underground scene. They all Loved her. Laura had a very natural personality and waz eazy to like. Or should I say Love. They all needed closure. Laura waz one ov those real 'Special' people...people are just drawn to them. Much like Me. So you can imagine us together az a loving couple. There waz once a large group that stayed in our 'social circle'...they seen us az King & Queen. All loyal to us both. The circle contained 50% Heroin users. Either addicts or thrill seakers. Things had changed from Laura's OD.
  I waz eazy to blame. Made up rumors made Me a target. A target to hate and to blame. I had physical fights with guys who knew Laura. I even had a fist fight outside "The Naked Eye"(Strip Club)with a couple. I had no problem subduing theze two.. It waz broken up by police. The first time I ever punched a woman. I waz drowning My problems with titties and beer. This couple picked the wrong fight at the wrong time. More ov this waz in-the mail. My Heroin use waz going up and I did not care. I felt lost. I felt that nothing mattered az much az I thought it did. This waz worse than the 'break-up'..I had lost Laura forever. Laura dying waz one ov those things in life that Hit You so hard that reality iz impossible to deal with. I had lost the only thing in life that mattered to Me.
Nothing ment anything all ov a sudden.Life had bekum something else. It waz almost in slow motion. Reality had pain to it I never felt before. My Heart hurt. My Soul hurt. This pain haz no salvation. Its a feeling ov total loss & emptiness to a degree ov an empty phantom pain.True despair.This gave Me a reason to lose Myself in Heroin.

 I waz beginning My Heroin self pity stage. Just because I had a good reason.There were also plenty ov others in the same state ov mind for one reason or another. It mattered not. Misery waz looking for company. Then you feel like your use haz a reason. Its justified in your mind now. Az you spiral down...you let-go...your emotions are so overwhelmed that you can not get to your logic. To punish yourself you secretly think you will hit bottom. It's not long (about a year) before you realize there iz not really a bottom. Heroin addiction and its surrounding problems have no bottom.Things just keep getting worse. So, you start hanging around with people who can do you favors. I waz never on-the-street. I always had an apartment and securities no others had from SLEEP CHAMBER royalties and some MBTA bonds I had bought. The rest I had to support myself. I usually got Dope for high paying business people. Not many. Not much. I got away daily by letting someone crash at My place for enough dope to stay well. When it waz a female it waz actually nice. Getting laid & high waz euphoric in a way.
Your misery and her erotick company joined you together for the best it waz ever going to get for those moments in time.     
 I waz trying to maintain SLEEP CHAMBER but it waz impossible because I waz sick more than I waz 'normal'...See after awhile..you do not get high..you can't afford it. You can only afford what you can kum up with daily. You could spend $100 a day on Heroin and if its not all at once it just's gets you well and a bit talkative. Addicts mostly hang in little cult circles. Its just like Vampire nests. You meet people everywhere from Methadone lines to jail to doctors offices...it goez on & on. Heroin iz sewn into society so deeply that its here for a very long time.


 After years & years ov hearing the enchantress call your name...you answer every time, you know that there are thousands ov cities with millions ov addicts in the same exact spot you find yourself in right now. You have to be a fool or an idiot to not see yourself az an 'Undesirable'. Most addicts don't care. This iz where they use their natural instinct to obtain a regular way ov scoring Heroin. Crime. and I let that stage ov My life long ago. My addiction waz bad a one point. I would wake up right on the 8th hour to a sickness I had never experienced before. Retching a yellow fluid from My stomach acids. It waz burning and very painful. It waz My stomach bile. Every 8-hours for weeks. I had to stay well every 8-hours or face this. Sleeping or awake it came on like an attack. I could not live like this. This waz a Vampires nightmare.

 Then I found a different dealer. Hiz Heroin waz so strong there were overdoses everywhere. Some addicts hear this and they want to know the 'name' ov the brand or the color so that they can score it. Not be careful ov it. Most addicts are not looking to get that first experience. Addicts are looking to get'High' and since they have been addicted for years. It takes a larger dose to reach any sort ov satisfaction. The same type ov smack iz usually around everyone...most are getting the same smack just a different cut. Heroin dealers cut Heroin with everything from coffee to powered milk and worse.Things you can not imagine. They have to use something water soluble. So it dissolves with the dope when you heat it up your spoon when you cook it. To dissolve the cut and to kill any bacteria.. Heroin dealers want to keep their addicts happy. Not rip them off(if you have a regular dealer). Yet on the other hand there iz a scam that works for months if they are lucky and the addict iz unaware. Theze people don't care if its not the best az long az they can make money and the dope contains enough heroin to just get you 'well'... In fact the weaker the heroin, the more you will buy to get that 'high' you chase (most cases) the rest ov your life.. Many Spanish dealers know that a 'regular' can be a life time customer. Spanish dealers are well known to have the best heroin. They also are known to sell 'weight'. (Larger amounts). Not the standard $10. bags but half gram bags that contain at least three to four times az much. Say $100. worth for $60. This Supports their way ov life. Az you see them with new gold watches. New cars & cell phones. You actually see their life get better az you are spending thousands ov dollars on something that will either put you in jail or the grave. Common sense iz not paramount here. Just resentment.
 There iz no logic to it. I found myself staying inside.."I'm not buying any today..I'm not..." I had some extra cash expected and I did not want to spend it on dope.I waz currently straight for a few weeks. My next memory waz leaving a bar after a few cocktails to score some dope on the way home..eazy !
 That's what happened..but all I remember iz sticking the needle into My arm..I started to cry..it waz like I just became conscious at that moment...I said out loud "What the fuck am I doing ?"..I tried so hard to not go near it the times I had gotten clean. ..I waz not sick for it. Just sick ov the situation. My subconsciousness had the demand in its desire. This waz stronger than Me. For the first time in 20 odd years I had to admit to myself that I had no control whatsoever. There waz an 'inner' Me that had more control on doing Heroin than My conscious mind did. Its impossible to convince yourself ov something that can control you that you do not want it. With no decision from your own true will. You surrender to its power over you. With the concept that you just want to quit soon. Someday soon.
At a certain time period I waz injecting and consuming any drug that would help Me escape reality. I hated what I had become and I had shunned all My straight friends for demons in the same pitiful situation az myself. I subconsciously did not hate myself, but felt no choice in who I waz..but how life waz going. At least for myself.
Escaping reality iz an addiction ov fear. You get to an age or get into the shit enough where you know that to change your life or 'things' generally can be impossible. Choices being, not doing anything or being in denial. Both being unacceptable.

After 2008 I had to make My mind up to do something. Life-changing.
Harder than you can imagine. What many detoxes,methadone clinics,safe houses,and addiction centers could not do.(My mind iz much more complex and able to beat both the medical system and friends who try to help Me overkum addiction. Even if it waz for the best interest ov My life.
Everyone tried to help. WOMEN OF THE SS did a benefit show for Me while I waz in a 30 day detox.
They showed up at the detox to visit and gifted Me with an ice-cream cake (I shared with everyone) and benefit money. After being in the detox for 22 days I left with another person to get some heroin. We went to the north-end ov Boston and scored some very strong heroin.
There waz 3 girls and 2 guys. We went to this one guys house to 'get off' (shoot some heroin) Az time went by I retired to a room with two ov the girls to be more personal or alone. Conversations between five people at once gets pointless from talking over each other. So I lured 2 ov the girls away with offering more heroin. My concept being to have sex. This iz something I got good at. I had not done heroin in over 25 days. My tolerance had gone down.Way down. I had injected one bag. After retiring to the room with the girls I gave them each one to do and I also did another bag. Theze are your typical $10. bags but very strong heroin. Much stronger than average heroin. Twice az strong. After doing it I went to take a piss. After reaching the kitchen with the feeling I waz too wasted. I knew how high I should be after years ov doing it. And I waz much too high. I fell knocking a kitchen table over. I waz so embarrassed...this had never happened to Me. After all the pills & heroin I had done over the years I had always been consciously very careful and maintained consciously in control. I had never used anyone's needle,spoon or cotton. AIDS waz new and rampant. The fear ov AIDS waz needed to maintain your own safety and destiny. 

Here I waz picking up a huge table and excepting I waz to wasted to sleep with the two girls.(that were more than willing to have a three-some). I left returning to downtown Boston I waz at the time homeless. I went to a friends house that I knew I could stay at. Roger the friend who waz very much against My situation. Even though he waz a user ov heroin too. He waz just at an earlier stage. He could see that I waz in a hopeless situation. And he cared. After getting there I told him I waz high on weed but he knew better. I could see the look in hiz eyes he waz unhappy that I had failed. I sat down and talked. Somehow I had fallen asleep and awoke a few hours later. Obviously Roger and hiz girlfriend were not happy. I left and went to stay at another girls house in New Hampshire. An hours bus ride away at 11-pm that night. She waz minding My two CATS and had offered to let Me stay at her beautiful house in the country. She worked az a stripper and waz not there all the time. I had gotten bored after five days and returned back to Boston. 

 I guess I just waz not ready ? I had made so many attempts to stop and it waz literally impossible. Now people who do not do drugs or do not do heroin say...weak,lame,etc.  Yes maybe..I found I could not totally stop. You get to a point where you are constantly trying to quit. The only thing I did accomplish waz I no longer could except the lifestyle ov being sick so much. Having to do it every 12-15 hours. Known az 'maintenance'. 
I had been involved with Sexmagick and Sorcery over the years. At least az long az My addiction if not longer. I and had decided to use it against the addiction to heroin. I had had both positive and negative results experimenting with Sexmagick. I knew I would have a reaction from evoking the will to quit.The 'equivalent exchange' would be a tough trade off. But at this point worth it. Without getting into the whole Sexmagick thing...I knew it waz going to cost Me something...something az important az the addiction in trade for quitting. Thats just the way it goes. For every action there iz a reaction theory. Well, I performed the ritual with a Sigil and made My attempts to stay clean and avoid connections to others using heroin. 

This seemed to be the 'answer'. Magick waz working better than any other attempt ov quitting. My will waz stronger than ever. It waz around 2008. What it cost Me iz hard to say. I had had many nightmarish dreams quitting and a lot waz happening around Me at that point. I could not say what My exchange waz...there were many bad things happening I could say waz part ov it. I waz trying not to keep track or figure out anything. Just wanted to stop. 
 I started buying Suboxone on the street.For insurance towards the Heroin addiction call. Now at this time I waz addicted to an anti-Opiate drug  at the same time az Heroin. I waz doing both.Which iz very common. Most people going to Methadone centers for their 'dose' ov  
                                              (Magick Blood Sigil/J.Zewizz)
Methadone are still doing heroin. And many ov the private clinics don't bitch if you constantly have 'dirty urine's'. I waz on a Boston clinic for 2 and a half years and NEVER gave a clean urine. (Tested weekly).I would say that I had just stopped and they caught Me on a bad-day.  The Magick only worked az long az My Will lasted. Emotionally I had broken down. The world seemed against Me.Self pity waz  on the move. It takes only an overwhelmingly emotional event to trigger that demon to feed again. I waz also starting to run into other friends that were users and had things going wrong with their lives. I started to use again. But this time I had Suboxone in Me. This iz a anti-heroin addicting narcotic drug. So, I found myself addicted to both Suboxone and Heroin. Suboxone iz a synthetic Morphine (buprenorphine)and its mixed with a anti-opiate drug Naloxone. Now the problem here iz...if you take Suboxone and try Heroin you will not feel the Heroin. Making it pointless to do it if you are not going to feel anything. It blocks it. But if you do Heroin first THEN do Suboxone after it (within 12 hours) you go into instant withdrawal. Very bad withdrawal (remember this for later).If you do heroin after the 12 ov Suboxone you might be able to get high. Much like the Methadone situation. And I would say 40% ov people if not more who are on Methadone or Suboxone are also doing Heroin.  Now I had 2 demons on My back. And they both were feeders. I either felt like I waz being eaten constantly or  were eating Me in moments ov depression or withdrawl. At one point I had used everything to keep from getting sick but found that Neurontin-(gabapentin)-a non addicting pain killer worked when I had neither Heroin or Suboxone. 800.mg every 10 hours kept the withdrawal away from both drugs.To a great degree. But depression and anxiety still came on full. So I needed to start buying anti-anxiety drugs like Valum, Xanax, klonopin, etc.
 I eventually quit a 5-year Suboxone habbit but waz occasionally still using Heroin once in awhile. It waz not long before I waz to learn the lesson ov My drug life. Mixing pills with Heroin. I had lost many friends to this combination. Either mixing xanax or klonopin with Heroin to boost the high to its extreme. I waz also an occasional drinker. Anything you mix with Heroin adds to its affect. Boosting it. To a point where its only a matter ov time before you OD and die. 
 I did an Interview about being 60 and feeling great. Between Me and the camera guy the Interview went bad. He could not stay awake to hold the camera straight and I left the room after the Interview to light some incense. (Interview below)  "John Zewizz at 60"

 I woke up to a girl giving Me mouth-to-mouth respiration. I had 'gone-out' for the first time ov My life. This iz when you stop breathing and turn gray or blue. No one can wake you up.You are in the final stages ov dying. Some people actually give a 'death rattle'.(when you hear a weezing from their lungs) trying to breathe. I had returned to life. Just in time to answer questions to the para medics and the police. I had 800.mg or more Neurontin in My system and I had done some Heroin. Neurontin iz used on the street to 'boost' just about any high. It works az a buffering agent boosting the other drugs affects. The girl had injected 2 vile's ov Naloxone into My nose to bring My out ov the death coma I waz in.
Known az "Going Out" . Every addicts biggest fear. 

If you have an opiate addiction and you are given Naloxone you go right into withdrawal. Unless you have 800.mg ov Neurontin in your system.(Me during OD at the Hospital).

The Story can be read from here from police arrival at My studio to the emergency visit to the  hospital (including all drama and what you can expect) if it happens to you. And You arn't Me !!
http://johnzewizz.blogspot.com/2016/08/thestrongestthing.html

Where do I go from here ?? I have not done any Heroin since this OD & Interview. I am only taking Neurontin twice in 24 hours daily. But the "Heroin call" iz still part ov My life. Ov course I get the urge. And except that 'Call' will be there forever. I know and understand now that it will not go away. You don't get to forget about it or that part ov your Life. You have to accept the facts. Then learn to Live with the facts. This iz My weakness. My only choice iz to be aware ov My weaknesses or fail at My most important development to My own evolution. At a point where I consciously and (conditioned into) my unconsciousness that this alteration to My psyche iz permanent. To be directed by Logic and Not Emotion.

                              
When I'm depressed. Or something goez wrong that you can not deal with emotionally. Its just like picking up a drink or a smoke for the same reason.
 Now when they say that you are a "Lifer" it really means you either are using it till you die and except that this iz going to be your life without any other choice available to you from now on. Or you spend the rest ov your life quitting over and over for the rest ov your life. But the best iz finding someone that loves you enough and you love them to start a New life. No other way works...believe Me. It can be impossible for some people to completely cut all friends and other people from their circles. Thats why so many fail. They continue to stay in the same circles ov friends. And hang around the same friends.
You get to a point in life. Az I have. Where you look at death in the face seriously. You have to. You imagine 'how you will die'..I hope I go having sex and very wasted. Not that I'm afraid to die. I just could not imagine headlines saying I fell or had a heart attack. I want to be in the middle ov sex with someone I really enjoy. I would not be able to do it to someone I love. Thats a lot different. Life iz not fair. Thats something you got to accept. 
When you look back at your life it seems very short. It seems very unfair when you wake up one day and you are 60. Its a short ride. If you get 'anything' from this its 'Time steals your life away while you are not paying attention'. You say..."all those Women you slept with"...Memories are not useful when they are past. They are only 'thoughts' which do very little for the emotional logic part ov your life. Memories only keep you in that frame ov mind. They satisfy very little when you are lonely or sizing up your accomplishments.

I'm at the end now...and look back and say.."I Had Fun" ..but I got to go soon. Not sure when. I feel more for those I leave behind. Yet I feel like a have time left to accomplish something I have yet to accomplish. Something I'm impressed with. I have not shared all that I want to share. I want to meet many more different kinds ov people. From Everywhere...Thats what I am here for. To meet individuals and have an affect on what they absorb from their time spent with Me.
Let them say what they will...in the comments below. If you knew Me...and what did you think ...??  I can assure at least interesting comments (if any).. Some are afraid to say...Others ??...Plenty !!
  Till then I will raise az much hell az I can. And raise a glass to toast those that I leave behind and those who went before Me. I will live az Free az possible Loving and learning az much about myself, life, and those I spend 'Time' with. Az much az I can possibly can.
For those who try to use against Me in any subversive way this information snags a Hex I call a "Snagger"...it snags onto the person who uses this against Me (even if they say its upto them/Doctors)....This nasty little Hex finds its way to all the little things like forgetting your keys at home. Losing your cellphone somewhere. Getting into a fender-bender(common),Losing,Forgetting and breaking items surround this sticky Hex that iz active if My Reverence iz not stronger than your intent.
~~~~~("Snagger) to the left ~~
Make no mistake...I am not a weak person and will not go quietly. I will roar like a lion and have My piece...continue Musick till I go.

I must go like those before Me. I know not when or how...(yet). 
When that time kums ................
Remember Me not with tears in your eyes..but laughter on your breath..for I have made you laugh and the times we had were like no other times. To those I Love & Love Me I will find My way back into your mind & soul. when you think ov Me. Let the World say what they will..speak ov Me az you have found Me. Forever and a Moment. JOHN Z










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