I've waz always convinced that My view ov sexuality waz pretty 'rounded'. I won't say that most people think that...because I'm pretty sure they do not. Sexuality iz thought ov more intently than anything else that preoccupies our thoughts in time. Sexuality engulfs more instinctive and subconscious thoughts both in logical and emotional stages. With more than anything else we are preoccupied with or perceptive to. Well, at this point...I think I should be saying "I think 0v" ..or this should be more about "My Sexuality". So we shall go from there.
SEXUALITY Being convinced that you are comfortable with your sexuality means that you have gained either a great deal ov confidence in yourself or your ego iz feeding on your emotions... This does not kum eazy. Excepting your sexuality instinctively iz up to ones choice. I don't want to really go down that road ov choice ov gay or not. I am keeping it to My own sexuality. Heterosexual : (and proud). There iz a view that if you are "Hetro" you are boring or not sexually very knowledgeable. You are sexually narrow minded az a matter ov opinion. There iz a view that people who chose to sexually experiment or chose the same sex have a higher insight to sexuality. Factually, what gives you higher sexual insight iz to know the right time to access your inner-self. To process your sexual experience with either logic or with emotions. The balance iz paramount. This iz where a sexual Hierarchy begins. The more one knows the correct balance to access when with each Individual sexually. Automatically designs a sexually emotional compass. That iz accessed upon each sexual encounter. Being aware ov this advances the experience.
The more one designs this compass the higher up the sexual rank in the Hierarchy they advance. Consciously or not. It matters not. Your instinct takes over. Your sexual subconscious iz on auto-pilot.
My confidence waz established through emotional experiences in Love, despair, anger, compassion, pity, self-pity, envy, patience, and so many others. I listed many instead ov just saying 'emotions' intentionally. Its important not to be brief with sexual emotions. REMEMBER to File Under: VIRTUES
Sexual information iz important. The more attention you make out ov it the more important it becomes.
The mystification ov sexual moods brings arousal from their emotional terms.
FUCK..LUST...HORNEY..ROMANCE...PETTING....HUMPING...etc.
BREAKING MY CHERRY
I waz older when it came to 'breaking My cherry'. I waz the oldest virgin I knew. (but I really waz not asking). I spent most ov My teens lying about having had sex and sexual experiences. I had moved from the City-(Boston) to the suburbs ov Plymouth. I waz 17 when I had moved from the Irish-Catholic-(gang filled)- Dorchester. I can remember being in 2 different gangs. The 1st one waz "The Judges". (your basic 16 year old white gang). That broke windows on Saturday night and went to church on Sunday morning. The other gang waz more ov a dangerous. We were older and wilder. Since we hung out on the walls ov a nursing home we took their name. "The Mothers Rest". This waz more than hanging out on walls,spray painting your gangs name, drinking beer and breaking windows. The advance waz predictable. Selling & doing drugs. Fighting. (with & without knives). Starting neighborhood fights. Using rocks,bats,bottles and anything that waz loud or made a noise. Other than having a black leather jacket with "MOTHERS REST" on the back, gang life involved too much fighting. Too much running and looking over your shoulder. Never mind the police ball-busting. Many people do not know...City police are much different than suburb police. All ov this had some benefit when I moved to Pembroke (suburbs). I waz attending a regional school. Meaning that there were students from 5 other towns all going to the same big high school. Advantages were knowing how to fight. Knowing how to intimidate and knowing what drugs to stay away from and what ones were popular. I waz also an instant target from day one- because I waz 'from Boston'. (a fighting city). This cursed Me to have to fight some people twice. Most ov My teens were times I spent fighting. UNTIL ... I got My notice to report to the post-office and register for the Viet Nam draft. This cleared the streets ov white gangs & hippies up fast. It started out that in our classroom we would all say a prayer together for someones brother who waz killed in Viet Nam. After awhile and a few years...I waz no longer saying prayers for brothers that never came home. I waz having prayers said for Me. My active number for the 'draft' waz activated. Now, since I waz born in England and waz under 21 I could have moved to England with a "Duel Citizenship" position. My father being a Master Sgt -drill sargant in the Army made it little to no- chance ov being an option. Canada ? Shit, I did'nt know anyone there that would put Me up. After preparing for something you can not prepare for ... The Draft had stopped. I look back now. And try to understand what going to Viet Nam would have done to Me.
I can remember a story I heard by some ov my friends..I had just moved to the suburbs from Boston. So, theze were friends that were new to Me. -(why they were unaware ov 'My Secret')...
"I fucked the Shit out ov Donna Daisy." ...(a girl I found very attractive)... now my first response waz .. "Waz she upset ?..Were you embarrassed ?"...."Wasn't there a disturbing mess ?"".... (After the mad laughter cleared). I pretended that I waz joking... it made a great joke. And right at that moment..I also realized just how sexually ignorant I waz. It made Sexuality more emotionally uncomfortable. Now pondering why at 18 I waz still a virgin. And hearing stories from 16 year old's that had slept with some ov the most attractive females in school had robbed Me ov confidence. Sexually, It waz something I did not need. I felt self consciously doomed...
Ov course, I went with the flow ov the story. Pretending that I waz joking. It waz the only direction that I could follow. Also I knew I might have some attention by the 'curious'. Only I knew...that I had never gotten laid by 18. And no matter how many lies I had to tell ... that secret waz never going to be told. Until Now. I had never told anyone. It waz too embarrassing. I waz an 'Alpha male' for az long az I can remember. This 'secret' would have killed My position in any hierarchy. Sexual or other-wize. My place in a sexual hierarchy would kum much later.
SEX
The first time I had sex with a girl I waz 18. She waz 23. I had met her after a class period and we both walked back silently (pretty much)...behind the school towards the Lake outback. After about a couple hundred feet in the deeper part ov the woods we stripped. It waz more awkward than I imagined. To mount her I waz having a bit ov trouble. Since I had never done it before. After almost 10 minutes I managed to mount her in a missionary position. This waz fine for a few minutes but I got instantly board right away. I sucked on her silver dollar sized nipples while enjoying her sweaty wet underarms. She had a small bit ov stubble hair growing in. Now this iz all the 'special moments' that are suppose to add up to a sexual release or something ? I had to try 'doggy style'...just out ov curiosity . She mumbled "Oh, you are one ov those..??" ... I flipped back over to some side saddle ride. Now. When I said I had never been with a girl. I left out something. I had never ejaculated or jerked off. I waz brought up so religiously that just the thought ov sex brought on instant confusion. I had never brought myself to orgasm by any means. I remember having 'nocturnal emissions' when waking up in the morning the sheets would be sticky and wet. I guess I kinda just brushed it off to a few 'hard-on's' or something ?I waz not all that interested to tell you the truth. I enjoyed the hard-on's but they never went past a full-blown-rooster. Strange...really strange...but to Me its just the way it happened.
Now we are getting to the real deep part. I waz getting ready to Kum and I could feel her legs shake and ass hump wildly... My hips took on an involuntary spastic bucking and humping also . The euphoria I waz experiencing at the time waz the first time I had experienced this type ov 'high'. It waz My First conscious orgasm. I had never felt this sensation or mind set before. I felt reborn. I felt like someone else. I had more confidence and ego. I waz really alive now...My 1st conscious orgasm at 18 years old.
Az I waz fucking I could feel the 'orgasm' throughout My whole body. It waz spiritual in some sort ov way. Funny thing waz that since I had never had a conscious orgasm I did not realize that after the orgasm your cock goes soft. This waz an issue at the time because she knew it waz 'over' and I did not. I spent about 5-6 minutes trying to continue humping. To no success. We brushed the pine needles & sand off and got dressed. We walked back having short conversations.
Now lets end it up with someone who haz never consciously Kum and will be experiencing it for the first time (in the woods, towards the Lake). All My conscious orgasms were 'nocturnal emissions'. So, thats unconscious orgasms. Theze first orgasms were experienced while in a 'dream state' . While dreaming. I had never kum while bringing myself to orgasm in Any physical way. I did not understand the concept. Ov jerking yourself (your Cock) bringing yourself to a physical form ov euphoria By means ov fantasy (sexual thrill ov a desire).
DRUGS After leaving high school in 1974 I drifted from one friend circle to another. Finding a more acceptable form ov "My Lifestyle" az I moved along. I spent a lot ov time with a Catholic school friend from St Peters. Where I spent 9 years ov Catholic school.
We were heavy into smoking pot and taking what pills we could find. My pill obsession started when I first saw a display ov "DOPE" ..a display ov Drugs by the local Police..that contained samples ov all the different kinds ov drugs.I waz amazed at how many individual types & colors there were. This waz back in High School.... Drugs were never a problem here. In the late 70's. I waz just a 'thrill seeker' and liked to get high when it waz available. It waz never a situation where I had to go looking for anything. If there waz 'crossroads' available ... then I would do 'crossroads"-( small amphetamine tablets) .. if there waz 'Reds' available... I would do 'Reds'-(Seconal-Barbiturates). In the 70's and the 80's..My days being introduced to drugs started with there being such a variety ov 'types' ov drugs that getting 'addicted' waz not even a second thought. I never stuck with one type ov drug. Not even Pot. Maybe there waz a period where I washed every drug down with a couple ov Budwizer six-packs. Yet even then. It waz only once or twice a week at the most. I went through almost every Amphetamine and Barbiturate there waz in the PDR - (Physicians Desk Reference) Book. I would say this started in 1979. After graduating high school I roamed around friend circles to engage in doing "downs"..(sedatives, barbiturates, and benzos). Another circle waz the "speed' freaks. I never liked doing too much ov any drug. I needed to be 'in control' all the time. No matter what. So, I never liked 'bell ringers'-(too much ov a Coke shot would make your hearing sound metal-like. Like your ears were ringing. /A point ov psychosis). Many people like this point ov 'high'. To Me...it waz too much. The same goes for the 'downs'. I liked the 'rubber legs'...and the almost hysterical laughing. You also loose a lot ov your inhibitions. Which makes you do and say things you would never have the nerve to say or do, if you were not on 'downs'.
SEXUAL HIERARCHY Anyway...after getting laid all I could think about waz fucking again. There waz no shortage ov girls in High School. You just got to know who you got a chance with. I waz totally inexperienced. Premature galore...and girls were mostly looking for 'good fucks'...and I waz not one . I waz always so nervous that the girl always thought I waz cold. I had a real issue with sex. It would take Me hours..(yes hours) to try something on a girl. So many nights where time waz wasted. I had to use alcohol and pills. And ov course there were dates where I spent the night on the bathroom floor. Being brought up Catholic had much to do with it. SEX waz a subject that waz totally taboo in My house growing up. Never discussed period. I can remember the word "fart" being a word we could not say. It waz a swear. So, your asking yourself now..."so that why Zewizz iz so much into sex ?" Maybe. I would eventually agree. I could have been going through puberty at 18 when I first got laid ? My persona iz made up from My sexual desires. What I seek iz emotional and physical thrill. Sex iz the most important emotional concept that most ov us seek. Its acceptance and can be Love. Sex and romance evokes theze emotions out ov us wrapping it all up with a beautiful dose ov euphoria...After I learned My own special techniques in romantic seduction I naturally evolved into an exotick Lover. Meaning I waz very detailed in My style and approach. Romance bekums extremely important in personal sexual affection ...
At so many points I say to Myself.."You Only Live Once".....az life passes by- you got to ask yourself..Did I waste My life ?..or did I enjoy Myself ?...Life haz so many turns & changes. Its not always good. And when its not...you start to think..I should life a good & productive Life. Plenty ov Love & romance...So,
after I learned to be a 'good fuck' My persona advanced My techniques in Love making instead ov just fucking.... after so many one-night-stands you realize its ego and somewhat pointless. I understand that horny feeling you get where you just want to "fuck"...its a pretty strong urge. Its known az "Lust".
Yet Love making iz so complex and sacred to Me that I avoid pointless sex now. You get to recognize the difference. Or at least know the difference. I seem to have refined My desire for a partner to be so complex that I am afraid there are very few I could possibly Love. I have consciously and unconsciously advanced my desires to be so individual and refined that finding another mate or woman haz bekum almost too detailed. I'm not saying that I could not 'fall in Love' with someone. I'm saying...that My hunt for another mate haz bekum unconsciously a high standard. Which kums from your past experiences in Love,relationships and romance. I have broken from most ov the sexual circles. My interest no longer . Its haz evolved more into an exchange ov sexual structured relationship. I have grown tired ov the bondage & fetish circles ov people. Their sexual stimulation kums from a very direct concept that haz rules, codes and safe words. I find this conceived design ov sexuality somewhat unemotional. Themes ov 'joining in' and participating in sexual orgies leaves romance nowhere. Sure the 5 minute thrill iz sexually exciting. But something iz missing in the focusing ov the sexual thrill. I prefer romance and the heat ov magnetism over any orgy ov uninhibited females playing to be excited when remembering 'safe words' and other codes. This iz premeditated foreplay and sexuality. Myself, I conceive My own sexuality to be a sacrament. Each encounter to be part ov a 'hunt'. Arousal to be stimulated by emotional behavior. And sexual excitement being either primitive and somewhat instinctive. No rules or directions. Sexuality should be an emotional overload. Its excitement kums from the natural thrill ov attraction. A thrill that iz shared in different emotional senses together.
Part ov this iz the 'Individuality Hierarchy' that you will experience. Make no mistake. This group that forms naturally anywhere can not be faked. It exists among all ov our circles. In some degree. It forms from status to authority. There are always scraps between the 'Alpha's' . This continues till the 'Hierarchy' iz settled. A group ov individuals that have 'Alpha's' scrapping within that group never can focus properly. Many 'love triangles' evolve from theze unsettled circles. Sexual attraction from one to another in a circle ov friends constantly haunts theze individuals. Romantic interludes are always sexually exciting. The break ov inhibitions and behavior opens up a dramatic sense ov arousal. But only truly can evolve beyond the stage ov lust when attraction connects to affection. There iz no such thing az 'Love at first Site'. (This iz attraction). Attraction iz a very strong emotion. It can overwhelm the sense ov instinct. "Love at first Site" iz lust. Any relationship based on this iz a roll ov the dice. Common sense tells you this. If you want to base your 'Love' on luck ... good luck ! Love iz something that iz cultured. It iz woven into the emotional state ov Virtues. Virtues are what Love iz made from. Virtues are what attracts a personal sexual attention. Physical attraction iz strong at first but eventually can be transparent if the emotional connections do not line-up. Some find themselves in relationships purely from physical attraction and have no emotional connection. This iz when sexual drama bekums pointless kaos. And this iz when the 'hunt' goes on for someone that connects emotionally. In most cases a stranger iz sought after. Secrets are better kept with someone who knows nothing about you. (in the beginning). This makes it much eazyer to play a role ov someone uninhibited. Fear ov judgement iz at its lowest. This Its also where 'sexual triangles' and 'sexual frustration' kum from.
Sexuality iz the most complicated and personal concept known to us. Knowingly or not, we base everything in our life around it. And to many ...its the emotional focus point that bonds relationships.-
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